It all started around Christmas. Alaska Airlines was offering an $89 fare roundtrip between Seattle and either Oakland or San Jose. And they weren't blacking out the dates around Christmas. So my parents asked if I wanted to go with them to California and visit my grandparents over Christmas. I like my grandparents. So I agreed to go.

They also agreed to buy my ticket, provided that I could secure them the $89 fare. "You know all that on-line computer stuff, get us a good deal on a ticket." So I did. But not on Alaska Airlines--all of those seats were sold out. Instead, I booked the trip on American Airlines, an airline that I don't normally travel, but one that had the $89 tickets.

I took an electronic ticket, but the rest of my family insisted (for no particular reason) on paper tickets. This was where the problems began. Two weeks later, I got an emailed notice indicating that there had been a change in flight numbers, times, or both. It indicated that my electronic ticket had been automatically updated with the new information (which the email helpfully neglected to include), but didn't say a thing about the paper tickets. It turned out that they had to be re-issued at the city ticket office in Seattle; this wasn't especially convenient. My parents went down and did that anyway, though. Both the flight numbers and times had been changed, but it wasn't particularly substantial. However, the jumping-through-hoops-for-the-convenience-of-the-airline had begun.

The flight down was surprisingly uneventful. It was delayed about 1/2 hour, but that isn't uncommon on flights out of Seattle (there are only two runways, the weather is often foul, and it's a huge international cargo and passenger airport so "domino effects" can occur). And the delay was fully explained and properly apologized for. The only major problem was that the woman didn't know how to input my Canadian Airlines frequent flier mileage, so I had to call Canadian Airlines, then American Airlines, then American Mileage Aadvantage, to get the credit properly input. But hey, what's a few toll-free calls between friends?

The flight back was another story. But first let me explain the visit. The first day was fine--I visited with my grandparents, met up with some friends from Oakland and Sunnyvale, respectively, and spent the evening driving around some of the most dangerous ghettoes in the Bay area.

There was some truly lovely scenery, especially in Oakland. For instance, the guy who was draped over a park bench that he'd newly decorated by technicolor puking on it, then passing out. Or the city block with 3 festively-decorated liquor stores on it, each surrounded by crack dealers. The guy who was driving said "I usually carry a chainsaw in this neighbourhood, and make sure that I have a really wild-eyed look."

Amazingly, I made it back in one piece. The following day, we drove up to Lincoln, California. Lincoln is the kind of town where if you blink, you'd miss it. My aunt and uncle, at whose house we were staying, live in the hills outside of Lincoln. The directions to their house are roughly:

• Drive down the highway, until you see a big dirt pile
• Turn right between the dirt pile and the Quonset hut
• Go down about 3 miles until you see the paved road that goes all the way across
• Turn left, and be careful not to hit any cows
  
• Drive until you see the big rocks
  
• Keep going, after the name of the street changes, to some more big rocks
  
• At the grange hall, turn left onto the dirt road, and don't hit any cows.
  

Of course, this was the perfect opportunity for my mother to declare that we were going to spend Christmas AS A FAMILY. This meant that I had to cancel the plans I'd previously made to go to a Christmas party with some of my friends. We had an exciting weekend in Lincoln--almost as exciting as a retirement home, or watching paint dry. I didn't leave the house for pretty much the entire time, although I did read some good Judge Dee mystery novels (if you haven't read a Judge Dee murder mystery, go buy one now. Today. Really, I mean it.) from my uncle's extensive book collection.

But that really put a cramp in my plans. There is something to be said for spending Christmas with one's family, but spending 3 days cramped in a house with no human contact other than your family in the FUCKING MIDDLE OF NOWHERE isn't a lot of fun. Unfortunately I wasn't able to contact any of my friends in Sacramento--primarily because they were all partying together, the numbers I had to contact them were limited, and they had no idea how to contact me. Next time I'll have a rental car...

So after a really boring few days in Lincoln, it was time to head back to the bay area. We arrived at night, and I had to fly out this morning. My father believes in getting to the airport early, so he was certain that I was up by 6:30am in time to reach my 8:30am flight (the airport is 7 miles from my grandparents' house--and you never know what traffic will be like at 7am before the commute starts!). I arrived at the airport with (of course) plenty of time. In fact, enough time to get breakfast, but I didn't bother since it was going to be a breakfast flight.

1/2 hour before boarding, Crystal (the gate agent, who was a fat angry-looking older woman and someone who you'd least expect to have a name like Crystal) announced that the flight was delayed for an indefinite amount of time due to an unspecified mechanical problem. "If you rebook for the flight tonight, I can get you as far as Reno. Beyond that, you're on your own. Your best bet is to try to come back tomorrow. We have seats on this flight tomorrow." I immediately sprang into action, made a few phone calls, and quickly discovered that everything out of every Bay Area airport into Seattle was fully booked. Until Tuesday.

Resigned to the fact that I was going to be there for awhile, I asked for a meal voucher. "Sure, we'll give you one if you're stranded until noon." What if we took off before then? "There's beverage service on the plane." I guess that American Airlines employees usually have coffee, tea, and milk for lunch. I angrily wandered off to find food, and ended up paying a mere $3.50 for a bad cup of coffee and an even worse bagel in an airport kiosk.

Upon returning to the gate area, Crystal was just getting through informing the passengers that the flight was cancelled and that they could re-book for either 8pm Monday night, or fly out in the morning on Tuesday. Obviously, that wasn't going to work for me--I needed to be back Monday. But there wasn't much that I could do, so I got in line to re-book my flight.

Just before my turn in line, the gate agent for the adjacent Portland flight came over, and in hushed tones informed the agents at the Seattle gate that there were 5 seats in first class and 5 in coach to Portland if anyone wanted to try to get those. I told them to put me on that flight, and write me a FIM (a ticket on another airline) to Horizon Air once I arrived in Portland to complete my trip to Seattle. They were reluctant to agree to this, because I was not a "full fare passenger" (funny, I thought I paid the entire price they were charging), but when I told them that I am a Canadian Airlines Presidents Club member they agreed to do it (American and Canadian have a cooperative marketing agreement). So eventually I found myself on a plane to Portland.

That was the good news. The bad news was that the plane wasn't going anywhere. The flight was first delayed because the plane wasn't in yet. Then it was delayed while they cleaned the plane. Then it was delayed because they had to replace an oxygen bottle. At the last minute, a sick passenger was taken off of the plane, causing yet another delay. And finally, once we were out on the tarmac, the plane was stopped and all of the passengers counted due to "increased-security-for-no-particular-reason." Because of this, we of course lost our takeoff slot and there was another delay. But after an hour, we got off the ground.

Off the ground, that is, to one of the bumpiest flights I've ever taken. It was even bumpier than landing in Juneau. And, of course, I was two seats forward of a child with remarkable stamina. He somehow managed to screech at a volume capable of shattering glass, or at least my eardrums, during the entire flight. As far as I could tell, the kid wanted to run around in the aisle, rather than sitting in his seat. Then he was upset because of the pressure change during landing. This experience seriously led me to consider starting a child-free airline.

After arriving in Portland, those of us proceeding to Seattle went to the American Airlines counter. There, we were informed that we were going to be put on a bus to Seattle. I didn't want to ride a bus, and told them that they could write me a FIM on Horizon Air as was originally agreed. After calling a supervisor, and a huddled conference, the American Airlines representative agreed that they _could_ do that, but didn't advise doing so. Between the time that we left San Jose and arrived in Portland, Sea-Tac Airport had been closed due to fog (it's built in the foggiest part of the Seattle area), and wasn't due to reopen for several hours at least. When I inquired as to whether they'd be feeding us, I was informed that the bus would be catered, and when I asked where my luggage was, I was told to go downstairs to the baggage claim and see whether it was there.

While I was doing that, American Airlines issued meal vouchers to everyone else who wasn't looking for their luggage, and they went and had lunch. I stood around watching a baggage carousel turn, without my luggage on it. After 30 minutes of fruitlessly searching for my bags, I went back upstairs to find out where the bus would be and what to do about my bags. I was told to wait downstairs outside of carousel 5 for the bus, and to file a claim for my bags in Seattle (so that they could be delivered). And when I asked for a meal voucher, they wouldn't give me one since there "wasn't time" and besides, the bus would be catered.

Downstairs, a representative was looking for the bus. It had been ordered, but nobody was sure where it was. Nobody was sure what it looked like either. Meanwhile, we stood beside the door directly beneath a speaker that was loudly blaring FUCKING ANNOYING CHRISTMAS MUZAK. I wasn't sure which was worse--the screaming child on the plane, or MOTHERFUCKING ANNOYING FUCKING MUZAK WITH FUCKING WORTHESS PIECE OF SHIT CHRISTMAS SONGS THAT I'D BEEN HEARING SINCE OCTOBER. After 1/2 hour, the woman went and called the bus company, and was informed that the bus was 5 minutes away. After another 1/2 hour, she called again and was informed that the bus was in the Air Cargo area (why, nobody was sure). Finally, it showed up, but it wasn't a bus, it was a van (which introduced another delay). Eventually, we got on the van. The UNCATERED van. With NO LUNCH.

It was a really pleasant trip back. The weather was foggy, the traffic was terrible due to multiple roll-over accidents, and we finally arrived in Seattle about 6:30 in the evening. By this time, I was beginning to salivate at the sight of cows beside the road.

I'm still waiting for my luggage.

So I'd like to thank American Airlines very sincerely for their courtesy and professionalism. I'd like to thank them for being so cognizant of their shareholders' desire for maximized profits that they didn't even bother to make sure that their passengers were fed. And I'd like to thank them for withholding as much information as possible so that I couldn't make informed decisions about what to do. It is this kind of courtesy, professionalism and good service that ensures that I will never fly American Airlines again, if I can help it.